Operation Slytherdor
by broken melody x
Summary: "Minerva, dearest, without shipping we wouldn't have Snarry! Drapple! Ludding! Oh, the world would be a terrible place indeed…" Dumbledore shuddered. / It's that time of year again - the time where the staff are busy setting up two unknowing students. And like most plots Dumbledore has, it's not going to end well…Dramione oneshot.


**Operation Slytherdor**

"_Minerva, dearest, without shipping we wouldn't have Snarry! Drapple! Ludding! Oh, the world would be a terrible place indeed…" Dumbledore shuddered. / It's that time of year again - the time where the staff are busy setting up two unknowing students. And like most plots Dumbledore has, it's not going to end well… oneshot._

**Notes:** I'm going to warn you about something. The actual Dramione is slightly parodied (full of cliched, giggly-Hermione goodness) because I'm focussing on the teachers and their awesomeness. I've really enjoyed writing this piece (ask Tris, I kept sending her snippets!) and I hope you enjoy it as much as I loved writing it! Drop me a review if I made you smile :D

**.**

_**Day Of Operation: **__#1_

_**Time of Day: **__Morning_

_**Location:**__ The Staff Room_

_**Aim: **__First Staff Meeting_

"I have a plot!" Dumbledore announced, sweeping into the staff room. "A most grand, epic, and generally wonderful ship!"

"Ungh, not another one," Filius Flitwick groaned. "The last one was bad enough."

"Er - well, Albus…" McGonagall said cautiously, "D'you think - maybe, er, should we leave the students alone for once? I don't know where you got the idea of 'shipping' from, but it's a ridiculous business that's done more harm than good."

"Hear, hear!" Pomona chimed in.

"Minerva, dearest, without shipping we wouldn't have Snarry! Drapple! Ludding! Oh, the world would be a terrible place indeed…" the old headmaster shuddered. "Nope, we're keeping shipping."

"Well, I refuse to take any part in this term's plans! Last term, you were convinced that Lavender and Parvati were made for each other - and now Lavender is with Seamus. The horrors! No, I say we let them fall in love on their own," Minerva declared.

"Hmph! Well, then, go away. We don't like you."

"Yeah, Minnie," Snape smirked.

"FINE!"

She stormed out of the room.

"Ah, I love it when she gets all bossy…" Dumbledore sighed, eyes glazed over.

"I SENSE GREAT, TERRIBLE, EARTH - SHATTERING EVENTS IN THE NEAR FUTURE!"

Horace drew away from the bespectacled witch, looking slightly terrified.

"That's nice, Sybil…now. This term's ship is…"

The staff held their breath in anticipation of the long - waited revelation.

"Well, it's…" He paused and coughed, "It's…"

"ALBUS, STOP BEING A STINKER AND TELL US ALREADY!"

"Why, Minerva, I thought you were chickening out?"

The witch gave him a death glare. "Tell us the ship. Now."

"You're no fun," Albus sulked. "Fine. It's…DRAMIONE!"

"Ooh, this is going to be tricky," Filius said, grinning devilishly.

"How about a romantic, candlelit dinner in the greenhouses?" Pomona suggested thoughtfully.

"That's boring."

"True."

"I'm thinking an Astronomy tower set - up."

"Ooh, that sounds nice!"

"But what about the Forbidden Forest?"

"Mm."

"What? That's not romantic!"

"How about a detention together?"

"Somewhere isolated."

"Definitely."

"And what should this one be called?"

"Heraco?" Dobby suggested.

"Dobby? What are you doing here?"

"Dobby is sorry, professors! Dobby couldn't resist!"

The elf popped away.

"Back to it - Dramione?"

"Gralfoy?"

"Malfer?"

"So that means…Operation Heraco Gralfoy or Operation Dramione Malfer?"

"I don't think either of them work…"

"Maybe something to do with their rivalling houses!"

"Hmm."

"Gryfferin?" Rubeus suggested.

"Slytherdor?"

"Ooh, I like that! Operation Slytherdor."

"SILENCE!" Albus boomed. "I HAVE AN IDEA!"

The staff gradually quietened.

"WE SHALL CALL IT…OPERATION SLYTHERDOR!"

"What? That's my name!"

"Shut _up_, Pomona! Now, everyone, listen very carefully. Here's what we're going to do…"

.

_**Day Of Operation: **__#2_

_**Time of Day: **__Morning_

_**Location:**__ The Staff Room_

_**Aim: **__Plotting_

"Good job on putting them in detention together, Horace! Next, we need to make them fall in luuuuurve." Dumbledore declared. "Hmm. Well, being a wrinkly old grandpa, I wouldn't really know how to do this, which is why I bought this book off Colin Creevey!"

"_How to Fall in Luuuuurve in 10 Easy Steps, _by Bemy Valentine? Really, Albus?"

"And what's Colin doing with this book?"

"Can I borrow it?"

"And me after?"

"And me next?"

"Ooh, me too, please!"

"OH, YOU'RE GIVING ME A HEADACHE!" The headmaster boomed. "JUST SHUDDUP!"

'Hmph. Fine then. Controlling butthead,' Severus thought. 'But man, I need to borrow that book. I have to get in his good books somehow!'

Meanwhile, Minerva was thinking the same thing. Their eyes met across the room and they glared at each other.

"It's on," Snape mouthed.

"You're going down like the mountains of Peru!" McGonagall mouthed back.

A look of confusion crossed over Snape's face. "Actually, I'm pretty sure mountains go up," he said.

"Sorry, Sev?"

"Whoops - didn't mean to say that out loud. Sorry, Headmaster. Carry on," Snape said meekly.

"Indeed-a-doodle. Well, in case you were wondering, mountains do definitely go up…"

He paused and stroked his beard. "So. Minnie, in their detention, I want you to send them into the Forbidden Forest, just like tip #1 in the book, and then…"

.

_**Day Of Operation: **__#2 _

_**Time of Day:**__ Night_

_**Location:**__ Edge of Forbidden Forest_

_**Aim: **__First Detention Together_

"God - I hate McGonagall so much right now," Malfoy grumbled. "Going into the Forest? Firstly, it's servants work - and secondly, we could get killed."

"Shut _up, _Malfoy. It's bad enough we're going to the forest - but I'm stuck with _you._"

"SILENCE!" Filch ordered. "No nattering…you're in detention, not a gossip session. Come along, my sweet," he added, talking to Mrs Norris. "You'll be picking Moonlight Berries from a clearing in the forest!"

"WHAT?!" Malfoy screamed. "THAT'S DANGEROUS!"

Hermione giggled. "God, Malfoy, you sound like a _girl_."

"Hey!"

"Oh, don't worry. It's kind of cute, actually…"

"Cute? You're calling _me_ cute? My father is _so _going to hear about this."

"Oh?"

His voice dropped to a whisper. "Don't tell my father this, but I think you're cute too."

_**Meanwhile…**_

Behind a (rather poorly concealed) bush in the Forbidden Forest, two professors were hiding. One was in the other's lap, holding a pair of binoculars. Lowering them, Severus said, "Oh. Em. GEE! She called him cute! Albus was _right_!"

"You're such a girl, Sevvy."

"Don't call me a girl."

"I'll call you what I wa - OUCH!"

"Not so loud, Minnie! Someone will hear us!"

"Well, stop poking me! And don't call me Minnie, _Sevvy!" _

"Oy! Don't call me Sevvy!"

"Hmph. I'll call you what I want."

"Well then, I'll call you Minnie, Minnie."

"Stop jostling, you greasy git!"

"I'll stop when you stop, you wrinkly prude!"

"I'm not a prude! Besides, look who's talking!"

"Yeah! Me!"

"Exactly. Sevvy Snape, king prude."

"SHUDDUP! They're here!"

The pair finally shut up after much swearing from Snape's side.

'Bloody witch,' he thought. 'I'll show her…'

He proceeded to give the older woman yet another a large, painful poke.

"AAAGGH! I'M BEING MURDERED! DON'T DO IT THERE, YOU IDIOT! DO IT HERE! AND NOT SO HARD! I'm an old woman and I'm not used to this sort of - "

He poked her so lightly she barely felt it.

"YOU'RE USELESS! You can manage to do it a little harder - OOH! I'M BEING KILLED! HELPPPPP!"

Voices floated over to their bush. "I'm sure it came from here!" Hermione Granger cried fretfully. "It sounded like McGonagall!"

"Oh, thank goodness. I praise her murderer," Draco drawled.

"Shut up and help me, you little ferret!"

"Fine."

Both of them came and yanked away the bush disguise, revealing McGonagall and Snape in a rather compromising position. Snape was currently seated on the older witch's lap and his hand was on her chest - he hadn't been able to see where he was poking her.

Taking in the possible double meaning of McGonagall's words, they both turned slightly green.

"OHMYGOD! I'M SCARRED!" Malfoy screamed, gagging.

"ME TOOOOO!"

Together, the pair made their way back to the castle, clutching each other for support.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…at least they bonded."

.

Severus and Minerva were in disgrace. After they'd botched up Stage One of Operation Slytherdor, they had been shunted down to the lowest ranks in the whole operation: servants.

"MASSAGE MY FEET!" Trelawney ordered. "In order for my Inner Eye to work, I must have massaged feet!"

"You do it," Severus begged. "Please. I don't want to!"

"Well, toughie. I'm being Horace's PA for the day. I signed a contract," she said smugly. "Pretty much all he does is sleep, so I have it easy."

"PLEASE!"

"Nope."

"But _Minnie…_I'll do anything!"

A glint came into her eye. Severus gulped. This wasn't going to be good.

.

_**Day Of Operation: **__#3_

_**Time of Day:**__ Midday_

_**Location:**__ Minerva McGonagall's Room_

_**Aim: **__Making Severus Suffer_

"NO! NO! TO THE LEFT, YOU GREASY GIT!"

Severus nearly collapsed. The box was _heavy_, dammit, and he could swear Minnie was enjoying herself. "I GIVE UP!" he screamed. "I'LL MASSAGE TRELAWNEY'S FEET! IT'S BETTER THAN THIS TORTURE!"

Minnie rejoiced internally. He'd done her work and she still didn't have to massage Trelawney's feet. She could've move the box with a simple charm - no need to tell Severus that, though. It had been fun watching him suffer.

"Oh well! That's fine, then. Have fun massaging! Toodle - pip!"

She hopped off the chair she'd been sitting in and fled the room before he could take back his statement and make _her _massage the phoney old Seer's feet.

"Ungh," the Potions master groaned. He needed a hot bath.

"…Severus! My Inner Eye is telling me it is time for my feet to be massaged…"

Oh, he was going to kill Minerva McGonagall.

"…and while you're at it, Severus, my Inner Eye is telling me you're going to make me a zesty five course meal…"

After he killed Trelawney's Inner Eye.

"…and lastly, you are going to amuse me by standing on one leg for eighteen hours without moving to eat, sleep, or have sex…"

Right after he killed himself.

.

_**Day Of Operation: **__#4_

_**Time of Day:**__ Mid Morning_

_**Location: **__Dungeons_

_**Aim: **__Potions Lesson_

"Snape seems tired today," Hermione commented, watching the Professor's head droop down onto his desk.

"Tired? Understatement." Harry replied as the man started snoring slightly.

Said man was currently wishing a highly painful death on his colleagues and employer. Trelawney really had made him do everything. He'd found that cooking was actually rather like Potions and he might have enjoyed that part of the punishment, had he not been half asleep.

The foot massage had been a nightmare - as had the eighteen hours. He'd completed them at seven that morning, and the lack of sleep meant he'd completely forgotten about Operation Slyth-

"AGH!"

He shot out of his chair, rubbing sleep out of his eyes. "GRANGER! Stop! You are working with Malfoy today. That is all. Carry on making potions - did you just look at me, Weasley? How dare you look at me? ME? You little brat!"

Ron gulped.

"DETENTION FOREVER AND SIX THOUSAND POINTS FROM HUFFLEPUFF!"

"Sir - I'm not in Hufflepuff!" the redhead protested.

"WELL, IT SUCKS FOR THE 'PUFFS, THEN, DOESN'T IT? BE HAPPY I DIDN'T TAKE THEM FROM YOUR OWN HOUSE, YOU UNGRATEFUL WRETCH!" Severus spat.

"And - how long exactly is _forever_?"

"FOREVER MEANS AS LONG AS I SEE FIT, WEASLEY! GO WORK WITH PARKINSON! NOWWWWW!"

"But - Professor, I don't have a partner now!" Harry protested.

"WELL, STUFF YOU, POTTER! I DON'T CARE! MAKE THE POTION ON YOUR OWN!"

"What's got into _him _today?" Lavender muttered to Parvati.

"YOU'D BE ANGRY TOO, BROWN, IF YOU'D BEEN FORCED TO STAND ON ONE LEG FOR EIGHTEEN HOURS WITHOUT FOOD, SEX, OR SLEEP!"

Whoops. Perhaps that had been too much information - and judging by the slightly green faces of his students, it had been.

"Imma go bed," he slurred, acting almost drunk with exhaustion. "Imma wait for you to sing to me, mommy…I love my mommy…she gives me cuddles when I'm sad…I'm sad, mommy. Sevvy's gonna cwy. Sevvy's gonna cwy noooowwww…"

Swaying slightly, Severus collapsed onto the floor.

.

_**Day Of Operation: **__#4_

_**Time of Day:**__ Evening_

_**Location:**__ Staff Room_

_**Aim: **__Staff Meeting_

"Ungh," Dumbledore sighed. "I'm promoting Sevvy and Minnie up to spies again. They make the worst servants ever."

"Though my Inner Eye tells me he was rather excellent at massaging…" Trelawney sighed. "You don't suppose he could become my slave - permanently? Oh, the things we could do locked up alone together - "

"NO!" Snape yelled. "I mean - no thank you, Sybil, I'm great. Just dandy."

"I could make things better than dandy," she whispered, winking.

"Oh, believe me, I'm fantastic on my own."

"Moving on to more pressing matters…it's time to place the bets."

"Last time, I lost fifty galleons!" Filius complained.

"Well, I won sixteen thousand!" Horace said smugly. His colleagues gave him a death glares.

"Merlin knows how you persuade the staff to place such high bets, Albus," Minerva muttered.

"What can I say? It's just part of my charm," he replied. "Now - bets!"

"What are we betting on this time?"

"Why, when they kiss, of course!" he answered.

"I place sixteen galleons on the fourteenth of November."

"Just sixteen, Pomona?"

Dumbledore stared at her with piercing blue eyes.

"NOPE!" she announced. "I bet one thousand, six hundred!"

"Fantastic," Dumbledore smiled. "If you'll just sign here…"

.

_**Day Of Operation: **__#9_

_**Time of Day: **__Mid Morning_

_**Location:**__ Transfiguration Classroom _

_**Aim: **__Spying On The (Soon To Be) Happy Couple_

"…Mr Malfoy, Miss Granger, your transfiguration project is due next week. You may go."

McGonagall transformed into a cat and padded out of the room - or pretended to. She remained by the door, unseen by both of them.

"Herm - err, Granger - " Draco began.

"It's okay," Hermione said softly. "You can call me Hermione."

He smiled. "Only if you call me Draco."

"It's a deal," she said.

"Okay. Hermione, can you work on the wand movements? I'll work on the incantation."

"And we'll do the essay together?"

"Sure - or I could do it if you can't make it. I know you're really busy…"

"Nah, it's okay. I like working with you."

McGonagall did a most un-cat-like leap of joy when she heard this and winced immediately afterwards. 'The old bones ain't gonna like that when you transform back, Minnie,' she thought.

Hermione looked at her curiously, then shrugged. "So I'll meet you in a few hours in the library?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"This sounds kinda stupid, but - I'll _miss _you."

"Oh, I'll miss you too…"

They hugged, then parted. Minerva beamed - if cats can beam - then, as a cat, went all the way back to her quarters for a nice bath before she had to drag Sevvy along to spy on them in the library.

_**Day Of Operation: **__#9_

_**Time of Day:**__ Early Evening_

_**Location:**__ Library_

_**Aim: **__Spying On The (Soon To Be) Happy Couple_

"Okay. So let's get started on this transfiguration essay…"

"Hermione - I'm going to cut to the chase here and tell you how I feel!" Draco announced dramatically, much to Severus' horror. A Slytherin student, acting so cheesy? Unheard of. Severus scowled.

"Oh, lighten up, Sevvy!" Minerva said. "It's so _romantic_!"

"Yeah. Excuse me while I go puke."

She hushed the Potions Master and carried on listening.

"…ever since I've seen this amazing side of you, I've been regretting my past actions more and more! So Hermione…"

"Yes, Draco! Of course I'll marry you and have your blond know - it - all babies!"

The blond looked slightly confused. "Umm, I was going to ask you out on a date."

"Oh," she blushed. "Well, yes to that too!"

Minerva threw her arms around Severus in delight. Her elbow knocked into the bookshelf they were hiding behind, bringing the wooden structure down and revealing Minerva and Severus to the pair once again. Remembering their last encounter with the professors, they both looked at each other and broke into grins.

"So you're together now?"

"Professor McGonagall, I'm so happy for you!"

"Professor Snape - I knew there was someone who'd accept your greasy hair!"

"WHAT?!" they both yelled.

"Silence in the library!" Madame Pince hissed.

"WE ARE _SO _NOT TOGETHER!" they screamed, ignoring the vulture - like librarian completely.

"Uh - huh."

"We believe you."

Smirking, the pair turned back to their essay.

.

_**Day Of Operation: **__#10_

_**Time of Day: **__Morning_

_**Location:**__ Staff Room_

_**Aim: **__Staff Meeting_

"You were caught _again_?" Dumbledore asked, slightly shocked.

"Minnie hugged me! It was her fault!"

"Why? What did they do?"

"He asked her to go on a date with him and she agreed to have his children!"

"Wow. This is moving faster than I'd thought! Excellent work, Minerva."

"Hey! What about me!"

"Wash your hair and then we'll talk, Sevvy."

_**Day Of Operation: **__#15_

_**Time of Day: **__Early Afternoon_

_**Location:**__ Transfiguration Classroom _

_**Aim: **__Lesson_

"I'm pleased to announce that Hermione and Draco won the competition," McGonagall announced. "I'm glad you two could overcome your differences and bond over this experience."

"We're glad too, Professor," Hermione said, smiling.

"I wouldn't have made such a lovely friend without you," Draco agreed.

McGonagall nearly fell out of her chair. "Friend?"

"Yep! I feel like I can talk to him about anything - friends, boyfriends, love - and I won't be uncomfortable, because I'm not attracted to him that way at all! Strictly platonic relationship."

Draco nodded his agreement.

McGonagall felt dizzy and weak.

"Excuse me - I need to go lie down. Class dismissed."

_**Day Of Operation: **__#16_

_**Time of Day: **__Morning_

_**Location:**__ Staff Room _

_**Aim: **__Staff Meeting_

"FRIENDS?"

"AFTER ALL WE WENT THROUGH…"

Nearly all the staff were in tears. "Platonic - oh merlin, I'm going to leave this school!"

"NOOOOOO!"

"I can't deal with this…"

"There, there," Albus said to the room in general. "It's okay."

"SHUDDUP, YOU LOT! I'M HAVING A PREDICTION CONCERNING OPERATION SLYTHERDOR!"

So hopeful were the staff of Hogwarts that they all fell silent to hear this prediction.

"SEVVY! I NEED YOU TO MASSAGE MY FEET!"

Without a word, he rushed over and began to do just that.

"GO TO THE LIBRARY…AND FIND THEM SNOGGING!"

Half the staff sprinted to the library and wrenched open the door to find them doing just that. Severus began to weep tears of joy.

"Oh, it's okay! Thank Salazar!"

"Thank Helga!"

"And Godric!"

"And Rowena!"

"And Merlin!"

"And Albus!"

"IT'S OKAY!"

.

**A few months later…**

"I feel like things have gotten boring," Pomona complained.

"Agreed."

"Wanna hear next year's ship?" Albus suggested, eyes twinkling.

"NO!"

"I had a feeling you'd say that. You guys are no fun."

"No. We're just sane."

"Plus, I'm getting too old for this," Minerva complained.

"You lot just don't want to admit you had a good time," Albus accused.

"I lost eight thousand galleons!"

"Same!"

As they complained, Dumbledore smirked. Little did they know next year's planning was already well underway…and they would take part in it.

They always caved.


End file.
